Vrchat
(I PLAY IT ON COMPUTER THOUGH MOST PPL PLAYS IT WITH VR)
Today I'm gonna introduce i've been playing for like 3 months.
Before I went to Australia, I started playing the game.
The game is basically about chatting online with strangers, people said it's a place where people hide themselves from the reality, well, correct!
(In vrchat I've asked a whole bunch of people they all got bullied in middle school.)
I have to admit I have some socializing problems in reality, since I got bullied in junior high school, yep, I've also developed some other problems from getting bullied for 3 years.
Like, I can't speak properly on stage (I used to talk smoothly on stage when I'm still in elementary school, good enough to make my teachers surprised and love me, and even tell others to learn from me, for me I only thought speeches as a way to express myself and elaborate my opinions) Yep, so now I've got like a serious stage fright, and I can't sing in front of too many people, my throat gets totally stuck, but I'm trying my best to fight my fear and those horrible memories, I tried to sing in vrchat and it's getting more and more better, I'm feeling more and more comfortable in front of people. And also I'm recovering from my stage fright by giving presentations in EHP class, my classmates are all good listeners, they don't fucking judge me, like those who bullied me, but still standing on stage is still a great challenge for me sometimes.
I can't talk comfortably in front of people. By people I mean more than 2 person, I get nervous when people stared me into my eyes, feels like they are judging what I'm saying and trying to find something wrong inside, and if I said something and they didn't reply to me, I'll be super sad, cause before I got bullied I lost my best friend, she got another best friend and started ignoring what I'm saying, then we didn't talk to each others for a year... When I first got into senior high school, I met Selena, Sherry, Angela, Nini, we were as close as a family back then, but I had like low confidence and when I do talk, I talk with only one person at the time, I like to talk about private topics or share secrets, so I prefer talking in person, and me and Selena gets really close to each others back then, but one day she didn't hear what I was talking to her because she's got all those friends around her, and I felt sad and never talk to her for a half year, she felt awkward and didn't talk to me too, but we still walk together... Then I just think Selena, Sherry, Angela, Nini, and me so awkward 5 people group, when grouping 2 people per group... so I left them and found Allison, I can understand if they are angry or confused back then, I'm an asshole I know, they might think I betrayed them or something. Well, luckily,some complicated things happened after and now we're all good :) But my best friend will still be Allison.
Well, what I did improve by vrchat is I can talk to 3 people comfortably and confidently now :) But not 4 at a time no no no i just can't
Trusting people, I got bullied, betrayed and also bullied and betrayed at the same time, same person, who was my friend (Olivia) before and we used to play games together before anyone started bullying me, then people started bullying me and found it funny to say that I'm ugly, of course Olivia found it funny and join them, OF COURSE OF COURSE, REASONABLE, HUH? At least she apologized a year after, she said she was stupid in 8th grade and thought it was funny. I forgive her and still became friends in 9th grade. (we are still friends now, we text each others sometimes) Well. after a lot of things, I don't trust friends and people in senior high anymore until i met Allison, who was always there for me. (Yeah I didn't trust Selena back then super sorry...)
About appearance, I've changed a lot I'll mention that later, and I hate the guys who judge from appearance, though almost everyone does that, every time I get a compliment, like "you are pretty, you are beautiful", from a guy, I get pissed off, and I'll say I'm angry and leave him. Haven't fully recover from that though, but I will.
Well, these are the most difficulties that I'm now facing.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A person I met in vrchat, Ryan
He (yes it's a he), is from the Netherlands, we met when I'm waiting for a friend (SeRautumn), he started talking to me, and when I ASKED HIM HOW OLD IS HE, he said 21, he lied he's 19, he said he only lied because I sounded old and he wants to get to know me, and didn't want me to think he's a kid.(I told him i am 16)
I try to let him guess where I'm from, I do this in vrchat a lot, people often guessed I'm from Norway, then I'll say nope, then they'll say "you sounded like a native English speaker so... you are from ...England, am i right?", no..., "America?", then they'll guess for the 20 other European countries (some of them I didn't even heard before), at last I'll stop them and say "I'm from Asia, but not a Russian, I'm from Taiwan" and he did the same like that, I think he almost guessed for half an hour, haha. He said when I said I'm not from EUROPE he was going to guess for African countries. THANKS God i stopped right there, and told him I'm from Asia a few secs after.
(we added instagram and discord and later on snap)
Then , one day I'm having my boring holiday, and my mom told me not to touch my computer, I was dying from boredness, so I called him on discord (phone call), somehow we chatted for 5 hours in my room secretly, then we found us so alike, he said we're like soul mates, like talking to another you, indeed! So much to share, so much to listen. Then he said he likes me the other day after, I said same, then later on we got together, and facetime each others everyday.
You can say it's a ridiculous relationship, but we believe we are meant to be together.
He's a boy who calls himself fat because he has a fat belly, but he has strong arms with muscles, he's normal not handsome, but he acts cute, brown eyes brown hair, tall 180cm, he let me feel safe, and he's a controller, he keeps me away from other boys even in games, which I found it cute, an-easy-to-jealous cute boy, we've been together for only almost a month, but we really love each others, enough for us to discuss about marriage and stuffs, he wants me to marry him in the Netherlands, and he is a very patient person, he said he can wait for 6 years before our marriage finally comes, I trust him, and he trusts me :)
The funny thing is he said he got bullied by a teacher in middle school, and he kinda have a depression since then. (actually I think I suffer from depression too, like I have those 1-2hours cry every month, for no reasons and thought my life is shit for 3 days per month)
He likes to play online games a lot, he showed me the two of his favorite ones, and i enjoy watching.
He can cook, one time he even made a pizza while we are doing face time, and I told him I can't cook, he told me It's fine,I said he'll cook and I'll do the dishes, so it's fair.
Somethings that aren't really good is that he smokes, he's trying to quit, he said he quit drinking after he started to smoking, he just needs smoke when he felt depressed, so we've made a deal, he can only smoke when depressed, and if we got married, he has to get as far away from me as he can after smoking, cause I hate the smell, and he said he smokes weed.
He also told me selling tobacco is legal in the Netherlands but he doesn't smoke that, He has eaten weed cakes before, he said it's good tastes like brownies, but he's not addicted to it, he doesn't eat it like every day or week or month.
The type of girls he likes: cute n' wild at the same time, and he hopes to get a gf who loves game, hey, wait that's me, definitely 100% me.
And these days we've already seen each other when one of us is depressed, we just leave each others alone and text for days without phone calls and facetime.
Now he's like a drug to me I have to text him everyday, and he said I got him addicted too, and he's my main motivation to study abroad in AUSTRALIA, so we can face time every time we want, cuz my parents are not with me.
About what i mentioned previously, I showed him my elementary school and middle school pics, his reaction, "wait this is you? woaw,You've really changed a lot!"
parents
about parents he's got nice parents, who are willing to listen to him, he even told them about the bully things the teacher had done, and his mom, who was also a teacher from the school, got so mad and punch the bad teacher in her face, and his mom got kicked out of school and lost her job for that, she didn't blame her son after all of these.
Me the opposite way, I'm not willing to tell my mom what happened, until one day, she found out a bullying notes that I've tossed into the trash can, she sticks it back by tapes bit by bit.(I RIPPED IT BEFORE THROWING IT ) after I told her i grabbed chicken legs with hands, she blamed me for that, she said it's reasonable to get bullied for that, but she told me I'm not ugly at least. And she doesn't even know how girl friendships work, she thinks it's always my fault, but she did tell my teacher about me being bullied, and my teacher kinda embarrass me in front of people who bullied me by saying both sides are wrong, and I was crying when bulliers were apologizing to me, i cried for like 2 hours, my teacher doesn't give a fuck, and said she thinks yeah there must have something wrong with me since only me got bullied.
I also told him this, he said no way, why is your mom like that, and eating chicken legs with hands who doesn't do that, or what are you gonna eat with, "a fork or chopsticks, some of the girls can handle that well, so they just give up the opportunity of eating them in public."I think the whole Taiwanese society is just sick, as I learn more about the world I began to understand, it's not that I'm wrong just not in the right place. Then my Ryan honey told me to go live with him in the future, i really hope i can, and I hope i can stand the freezing cold there.
In the end I just really wanna tell you sth else, everytime when Ryan blush and smile makes me happy, I'm really lucky person, I hope this lasts forever.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Doris,
ReplyDeleteI had to read your letter several time, and give a lot of thought to the best way to respond.
I went through all of your letters for the past year, and found exactly two pictures of yourself. The first one was the Halloween picture, where you were wearing a cat's mask, and the second one was of you and your sister at the 2/28 Memorial, where you were lying on top of some glass-covered exhibit. From that scanty bit of information, I can say that you are certainly an "above average" looking girl, with nothing to be ashamed of. I could say morfe if I had a better picture. But if anyone tell you that you are not attractive, they're just being mean, so just don't listen to them
From reading your letters and admiring your art, I must add to that that you are an intelligent and artistic person. These are qualities not to be taken lightly. Both of them can take you far in life.
Having taught junior high and senior high for many years, I can tell you that young girls can be the meanest, cruelest, people on the planet. And, as you aslso know, they love to gang up on people. I would say that bullying you wasn't really about you, it's that you were just a "soft target" who wouldn't fight back. If they could get away with it once, they would come back again and again. That;s the way bullies work. Obviously, it did a lot of harm to you self-confidence, so I'm glad to hear that you're working to get your confidence back. Keep working at it.
By this time, you should be getting the idea that new friends come, and old friend just fade out of your life. That's why it's important to keep making new friends. Once again, old friends fading away really doesn't have anything to do with you being a good or a bad person. It's just that, and your age, everyone's life is changing so drastically, so often. You, and everyone else, is in a new social environment just about every year. Everyone is finding new relationships and new interests all the time. That's why it important that your best friend is...you. You have to follow your own dreams and depend on yourself. You shouldn't wait around for other people to make you happy. Think of friends as the icing, not the cake. You are the cake.
Go easy with the internet boyfriend, and don't let him take up too much of your time. Email every day is fine, but try to limit the video chat to about 1/2 hour, once per week. And NEVER, NEVER, NEVER send any photos that you wouldn't show to your mother. The internet is forever. Anything that gets posted can be around the world in seconds.
It's good that Ryan is your friend, but be very, very careful that he doesn't become dominating and controlling.
Good luck with all of this. You know that I want the best for you.
Tim